


Fuck My Ass, Paul Hollywood

by midgardian_leviosa



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Puns, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dom Tony Stark, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Food, Food Kink, Good Boyfriend Tony Stark, Hand Jobs, Light BDSM, M/M, Magic, PWP without Porn, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Puns & Word Play, Roleplay, Sex Magic, Sub Loki (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 06:55:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20110972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midgardian_leviosa/pseuds/midgardian_leviosa
Summary: Loki likes The Great British Bake Off a little too much. Tony indulges him with a role play. No actual baked goods were harmed in the making of this fic, but boy oh boy, do our boys ruin some baked goods within the fic.





	Fuck My Ass, Paul Hollywood

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Discord. I mentioned “What if Tony and Loki were all cute and domestic and like Bake Off?” and then somebody else was like “What if they fucked while watching Bake Off?” and someone else said “Hey don’t ruin Bake Off for me!” 
> 
> BUT ALL I HEARD WAS “RUIN BAKE OFF FOR ME”
> 
> Here you go, world: Loki x Paul Hollywood, who is actually an enchanted Tony.
> 
> Thanks to Taffy for beta-ing and helping with the food puns.

“Wo-o-ow! That’s one ambitious showstopper! You think she can pull it off, Lokes?”

“Shh! He’s talking,” Loki snapped at Tony, quieting him down enough to catch the tail end of Paul Hollywood, Great British Bake Off judge extraordinaire, criticizing the overly-ambitious design. Loki strained to hear the TV. “—sure that’s a good idea?” Paul asked, eyebrow quirked and smirking in a way that made it quite clear what  _ he _ thought of the cake concept. Loki inhaled sharply and licked his lips, staring at the screen.

“Hm? Something up, babe?” Tony lazily took his arm out from where it had been resting around Loki’s shoulders and grabbed another homemade miniature cupcake from their little cake stand on the living room table. It was Cake Week, after all, and they had both agreed that one simply could not watch Cake Week without first baking themed treats.

Loki paused, thinking, and slowly shook his head. “No, nothing.”

But it happened again, and it kept happening. Every time the bearded judge made a sarcastic quip or gave his telltale little smirk, Loki would twitch, or breathe fast, or unconsciously squeeze Tony’s hand a little tighter. 

Finally, the episode was over and they went to bed.

“Cake Week looks promising. I am particularly fond of Kim-Joy. She has vision, and executes it with aplomb. Don’t you agree, Anthony?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Her stuff is great. I’m a fan of Rahul, though. Solid stuff, and he’s actually got a brain on him.”

“Mm. You  _ would _ like Rahul. Two science nerds in a pod.” Loki turned onto his side to half-spoon his boyfriend.

“It’s two  _ peas _ in a pod, Lokes,” Tony rolled his eyes. “Anyway...uh, it seemed like you were kind of...like something was up tonight. Was something up?”

Silence.

Finally, Loki spoke. “It’s nothing. I just...Paul.” He stopped speaking, as if that cleared everything up.

“Uh, Paul Hollywood? The Bake Off judge? What about him?”

“Well, he’s...have you never thought he was sort of...arousing?” Loki was glad for the darkness of their bedroom. This was the sort of conversation best had in the dark, when expressions are invisible and secrets can come out to play.

“I guess I never thought about it. He’s all right.”

“Oh, I assure you he is more than ‘all right.’ The man is a silver fox.”

Tony laughed. “All right—er, OK. Maybe a little. So that’s all? You were acting weird because you just noticed Paul Hollywood is a silver fox?”

Loki buried his face in Tony’s neck, too embarrassed to see his boyfriend’s response to his reply. “I did not just notice. I...I have lusted after him for many seasons. He is so dominating and arrogant, and those  _ hands _ ...mmm...so talented. Those strong, thick fingers sculpt dough with such finesse, coaxing it to meet his demands...” Loki’s voice had dropped to a lower register, usually reserved for either threats or sex. Tony wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He shifted and felt something tap against his side. He shifted again to double-check. Then he reached a hand down to triple-check. 

“Loki? Are you hard?” 

“The answer is apparent—” Loki’s reply was cut off with a sharp intake of air when the fingers against his cock wrapped around it firmly. “Oh,” Loki moaned softly, thrusting gently into Tony’s hand. Tony stroked up and down slowly as he thought, absentmindedly enjoying the little sounds he made. 

“Mmm, you’re really into him, huh? Your ‘silver fox.’” 

“Mhmm,” Loki confirmed, more able to admit it now that he was melting into his boyfriend’s touch. 

After a minute with nothing but heavy breathing breaking the silence, Loki spoke again. “I...had thought we might do a role play.” 

“Oh yeah? What kind?” 

“Bake Off, of course,” Loki said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and he thrust into Tony’s hand, annoyed at the slow pace, but especially annoyed at Tony for making him spell it out. 

“Bake Off. So...like how? Who is playing what role?”

Loki scoffed. “Oh, come now—” At that, Tony tightened his grip and sped up, and Loki snorted at the terrible pun. “Ha, yes, Anthony, I said ‘come,’ very—ah!—very funny—ah, that’s it! Ah, yes darling, oh fuck, oh, my naughty boy,” Loki devolved into moans as Tony’s expert hands brought him to the edge of orgasm, primarily for the purpose of a pun. And then slowed back down again. 

“What the hell?” Loki snapped, thrusting into Tony’s painfully slow hand.

“We were talking, babe,” Tony laughed. “Can’t have you incomprehensible.” 

“I hate you,” Loki replied, but he settled down.

“So, as I was saying, who plays what role? What are you envisioning here?” 

Loki blushed, knowing now that Tony did not share his peculiar fascination with the Bake Off judge. But Tony’s hand on Loki’s cock was gentle, comforting, and it made Loki feel like it didn’t matter; no matter what strange kink Loki had, they could explore it together because Tony just loved bringing him pleasure. Loki took a deep breath and tried to relax.

“I want to be a Bake Off contestant. And I want you to be Paul. And dominate me.”

Tony kissed him. “Mmm, I can do that. Now since you were so good and told me what you want, I’m going to make you come. Come for me, baby.” Tony sped up his strokes and kissed him again, making Loki moan into his mouth. Tony kept a firm grip and squeezed, twisting around the bottom of the head the way Loki loved, and, as always, Loki gasped and came undone after just a few repetitions. 

“Oh! My Anthony, I—oh,  _ oh! _ ” His cock throbbed and squirted out thick white ropes all over them both. Tony licked his lips and an idea began to form.

. . . 

Tony’s eyes widened as he looked in the mirror. He winked one eye, and the mirror, of course, winked back. He winked the other eye with the same, expected, result. He brought a broad hand up to his face and poked at his unnaturally square jaw and ran his fingers through his short silver hair. 

“Wow, that spell really worked. I really look just like him.” Tony started, shocked at the sound of his own voice. “I even  _ sound _ like him.”

Loki nodded appreciatively, grinning. “Oh, yes. I am magnificently talented.”

Tony-who-looked-like-Paul-Hollywood laughed and smiled at his boyfriend. “You really are. All right, ready to get started?” Tony clapped his hands together and Loki couldn’t help but stare and lick his lips, imagining those strong hands on him. 

“I am.”

“OK. Come to the kitchen. It’s all set up.”

Loki trailed behind Tony’s unusually broad frame and gasped when he saw the kitchen. A baking station had been set up with all the ingredients, an official Great British Bake Off apron was folded over the chair, and there was even themed bunting and a decorative cake stand. “You went all-out with the preparations, Anthony. Thank you.”

Tony turned around, grinning with a mouth that wasn’t his. “Who’s Anthony? I’m Paul, the greatest baker in the world. And you’re wasting my valuable time. Get to your station.”

Loki’s eyes widened and his heart raced. “Yes. Of course.” He shuffled off to the counter. 

Paul—er, Tony—sneered. “What the hell are you wearing?”

Loki paused, “Huh? But I thought you liked this shirt—”

“How could I like it when I’ve never met you before in my life? Strip.”

“What?”

Paul stepped behind Loki and pressed him against the counter. His breath was hot against the back of Loki’s neck. “I said, strip. I want you in that apron and nothing else.”

Loki gasped a “Yes, sir,” then squeaked when he felt teeth scraping his neck in warning. 

“Yes who?” 

Loki felt like his heart would beat out of his chest; he was living his biggest fantasy. Reverently, he whispered, “Yes, Paul.”

Paul stepped back, now at a respectable distance. “Very good. Go ahead now.” 

Loki turned around to lock eyes with his partner as he removed his shirt, then his pants, revealing an impressive bulge, and finally, he was naked, his cock red and twitching under Paul’s critical stare.

“Quite a piece of meat you’ve got there. You could do some damage with that thing.” Loki smiled in response. “Now do I really have to tell you again to put on the damn apron?” Loki scrambled to obey, and once he was dressed, he felt a warm body pressing against his back. “Mmm, you look  _ delicious _ like this, Loki. Nothing but an apron, and tenting it so nicely with that big cock of yours.” Loki moaned and pressed back, trying to feel Paul’s cock against his ass, but no sooner had he tried than the man had backed off, again. 

“Ah ah ah, I don’t think so, my little bake-slut. You have a job to do. There’s a recipe for cupcakes on the counter; see it? You have one hour to make twelve perfectly-formed matching cupcakes, using the ingredients at your station now. Are you ready?”

Loki nodded, smiling lecherously. “Yes, Paul. I am ready for  _ anything _ you give me.”

His boyfriend smiled. “Good. Ready, set, bake!”

Loki paused. “Should I actually bake these?”

Strong arms encircled him from behind and Paul’s breath was hot in his ear. “Did I stutter?”

Loki gasped. “No, sir. I’ll begin.” He bent over the recipe, muscular ass on display, and got started.

. . .

The shaped cookie toppers were in the oven, the cupcakes were cooling on the counter, and Loki was making the frosting when it happened. He went to add a splash of milk, when the carton split open from the bottom, spilling a quart of milk into the frosting bowl, ruining all the ingredients. Loki gasped. How could he have been so clumsy? He turned to Paul with wide eyes and braced himself for rebuke.

“Loki, Loki, Loki...look what you did! What a clumsy boy you are.”

“I don’t know what happened! This never happens!”

“Well, clearly it happens sometimes. Because it just happened now.” Paul smiled and folded his arms in a very Tony way.

“No, I—maybe it was tampered with?” Realization dawned on Loki, and he glared. “ _ Was _ it tampered with?”

Paul gasped in mock shock. “What a terrifying accusation! What kind of horrible person would do that to you?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “I’ve absolutely  _ no _ idea.”

Paul stepped forward so that he was very much in Loki’s personal space and looked up at his boyfriend. “What are you going to do about the icing? You ruined yours, and you’re all out of ingredients.”

Loki frowned down at Paul and licked his lips. “I’m not sure. What do you think I should do?”

Paul smirked like the cat who swallowed the canary. “Well, there is one source of ingredients you didn’t use.” Loki squinted at him, confused. “I said you could use  _ anything _ at your station. Your body was at your station, too.” Loki’s mouth dropped open, his brain rushing to solve this riddle. Then his brain short-circuited because Paul’s hand was drifting down his apron toward his groin. “Poor Loki, can’t you think of anything you could use for icing?”

It all clicked into place. Loki’s eyes went wide and his mouth formed a silent “oh.”

Then Paul’s lips were on his. “Oh  _ gods _ ,” Loki whimpered into his boyfriend’s mouth. He tasted just like Tony, because Loki couldn’t imagine anyone else tasting better, so he hadn’t bothered to alter that with the spell. “Mmm, you’ve wanted this for a long time, haven’t you, Loki?” “ _ Yes, _ ” Loki breathed, kissing back passionately. Paul was demanding, all tongue and teeth and strong hands in Loki’s hair, on his neck, squeezing his ass. 

“I think I might be charitable today. Maybe I’ll help you make some of that icing before the timer runs out in five minutes. What do you think? You definitely need the help.”

Loki shuddered, mouth gaping, too aroused to think. Paul’s hands kneading Loki’s buttocks made it clear what sort of help he was thinking of. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Good. Bend over the counter. I’m going to fuck you in the ass and make you cum all over those cupcakes.”

Loki moaned and obeyed. He could hear the sound of a zipper, and he looked behind him to marvel at the image of Paul Hollywood with just his cock out, coating it with vegetable oil. He had the exact same cock as Tony did, because Loki felt he should not mess with perfection, but it looked deliciously different on Paul’s body. Then Paul was on him, rubbing the slick head around Loki’s entrance. 

“Beg.”

“Pardon?”

“Beg me to fuck you. I know you want this thick, British sausage in your tight little ass. Beg for it.” Tony felt ridiculous, but he had an inkling that terrible food puns would turn Loki on, so he was testing the waters.

Loki moaned, confirming Tony’s belief. “Please, Paul Hollywood, please fuck my ass.” The head of Paul’s cock dipped in just enough to make Loki tense up, but then it was out again. “Do you really think that’s good enough, bake-slut? Try again.” 

“Oh, please, Paul, fuck me. Please, I need your hot, thick British sausage inside me so badly. I need you to fuck out all my icing, please, Paul, please!”

Tony grimaced and willed himself to stay hard. This was going to be a trial. If he managed to get through this scene without bursting out laughing at the baking-related filth falling from Loki’s lips, he would deserve a Boyfriend-of-the-Year Award.

“Since you asked so nicely,” Tony finally answered and shoved his cock into Loki’s hole. Ah, this was much better, Tony thought, building up a fast rhythm. Now he could just focus on—

“Oh  _ gods _ , fuck my ass, Paul Hollywood! I’m your slutty little cannoli!”

Tony guffawed and tried to turn it into a cough. Loki didn’t notice, lost as he was in pleasure. Loki’s cock was leaking all over the inside of his apron, marking it, and the thought made him moan. “Oh Paul, am I a good little baker for you?” Tony slapped his ass. “Of course you are. As long as you get those cupcakes iced in the next—” he glanced at the timer— “four minutes. Can you do that for me, Lokes? You wouldn’t want to disappoint Paul Hollywood...who is, uh, me.” 

Loki moaned. “Oh, I  _ can _ .”

Tony-who-was-definitely-the-real-Paul reached a hand around, under the apron, and grabbed Loki’s leaking cock. Loki clenched, sending shocks through his boyfriend. “Oh, shit, Loki, that’s the way. Ah! Such a good little slut.” He sped up, enjoying the noises spilling from Loki’s lips, the way his body reacted so intensely to every touch. 

To his surprise, he felt himself nearing orgasm, and his thrusts grew faster and faster, his hand speeding up on Loki’s hand to match. “I want to cum inside you, Loki. I want to fill you up with my cream. I’m—oh!—I’m close, I’m about to come, baby—” Tony moaned, and Loki cried out.

“Yes, Paul! Fill me up like a slutty eclair!” and it was too late, Tony was coming with those words ringing in his ears.

The feeling of being flooded with Paul’s cum as that meaty hand milked his cock was almost too much for Loki. He looked at the timer and saw he had only a minute left. “Oh, ah! P-Paul, I’m going to—oh! Your hand, yes, just like that, oh  _ gods _ yes just there! Fu—ah! I’m—oh no, the cupcakes! I need to—” Paul pulled his softening cock out and spun Loki around so they could face each other. Paul grabbed the tray of cupcakes from the counter, holding them with one hand below Loki’s cock while his other hand continued stroking, and Loki shoved his apron up out of the way. He looked into Paul’s eyes and whimpered, “Oh, Paul, I’m coming for you!” His hands clenched into fists and pearly-white cum splashed all over the cupcakes.

. . .

Loki collapsed backwards, leaning against the counter, and in a heartbeat, Tony, who still looked like Paul Hollywood, had wrapped him in a bear hug. “Mmm, my Loki. My sexy little baker.” Loki moaned and nuzzled his boyfriend’s neck. “Mmmmmmmmm,” was all he could say, a brainless, blissed-out smile on his face. “You’re my perfect, cream-filled doughnut. I’d say you redeemed yourself on the icing front.” Loki giggled. “Mmm, thank you, Paul.” He pressed one last kiss to Paul’s lips, and then, with a wave of Loki’s hand, Paul was Tony once more.

“Nice, I’m me again! Let’s get you to bed, and then we can talk about it later?” “Mmmmmmm,” Loki assented, breathing in Tony’s scent, mixed with the delicious smell of freshly-baked cupcakes that nobody would ever eat.

. . .

In the darkness of the bedroom, the two men lay with their arms and legs intertwined, Loki breathing in the scent of Tony’s hair. Loki closed his eyes, more at peace than he had felt in a long time. “Thank you, Anthony.”

Tony smiled and squeezed Loki tighter. “Of course. I love you, I want to make you feel good.”

He smiled sleepily into Tony’s hair. “I love you too, my Anthony.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments make me SO HAPPY and keep me writing more fics!


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